#180 Decluttering After Trauma: Creating Safety, Control & Freedom at Home

What if the clutter in your home isn’t a personal failure — but a survival response?

For many women, especially survivors of family and domestic violence, clutter goes far deeper than “too much stuff.” It can be rooted in trauma, guilt, fear, and nervous system survival patterns that once helped them cope — but now keep them stuck.

In this deeply compassionate conversation, Rose is joined by decluttering mentor Dorota Kuldo to explore how decluttering can become a powerful tool for healing after trauma. Together, they unpack why traditional decluttering advice often feels overwhelming or unsafe for trauma survivors — and how a gentle, trauma-informed approach can restore a sense of control, agency, and calm.

Dorota explains how clutter is often linked to “good girl conditioning,” emotional attachment, and fear of scarcity, and why pushing through with harsh rules or perfectionism can retraumatise rather than heal. Instead, she shares brain-friendly, nervous-system-aware strategies that allow women to take small, compassionate steps — creating safety without overwhelm.

This episode reframes decluttering as an act of self-protection and self-trust, not discipline. It’s about creating a home that supports healing, freedom, and peace of mind — one gentle decision at a time.

If you’ve ever felt ashamed of your space, frozen by where to begin, or disconnected from your own home, this conversation offers a kinder, more empowering way forward.

✨ CONNECT WITH DOROTA

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dorotakuldo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dorotakuldodecluttering/

Website: https://dorotakuldo.podia.com/3moves

♥ ♥

Transcript

Rose | 00:00
The Healing Through Love podcast with Sharlene Lynch and Rose Davidson. Hello, I'm Rose Davidson. Welcome to the Healing Through Love podcast where we shine a light on hope, resilience and transformation in the journey to end domestic violence. Each week we share powerful stories and practical tools for survivors, advocates and experts. Together we create a safe space for healing, inspiration and change. How can decluttering go beyond stuff to help survivors create safety, agency and a true sense of freedom in their own homes? My guest today is Dorota Kuldo who is going to share with us the cluttering for safety and freedom and how we can create a home that heals. Now, Dorota... Is a decluttering mentor who helps women break free from lifelong clutter, overwhelm and good girl conditioning. Yes, please. After decluttering 70% of her own belongings in six months while working two full-time jobs, she developed her superpower, creating clutter-free systems that actually last. With a mix of mindset, nervous system regulation and brain-based strategies, Dorota makes decluttering feel doable, lasting and can be fun. Dorota, thank you so much for joining me here on the Healing Through Life podcast. 

 Dorota | 01:31
Thank you so much for having me. I'm very grateful to be here. 

 Rose | 01:36
Wonderful. I'm so pleased that you're here. Tell me a little bit about your background, Dorota. 

 Dorota | 01:42
Gosh, you know, I still remember the days when clutter was all that I could think of. I would wake up every morning wishing that... It disappeared. I would pretend that it wasn't there. 
 You know, I worked 15 hours a day when I was like at the worst parts of my clutter journey, my whole life, I was either sort of living in two stages, right? Either extremely messy or like super clean, but that wouldn't last very long because I would exhaust myself getting it to that point. 
 And then I wouldn't do it again for like months at a time sometimes. And then eventually like It was, there was this breaking moment for me, like the enough is enough moment. And I think we all have it at one or the other point in our lives. 
 And then I decided, okay, enough is enough. Like I cannot do that anymore. And I put my head down and I found a way out. And that's why I'm here now, you know, sharing this because it's, Just like you said in the introduction, Clutter has nothing to do with stuff, even though, like, It has everything to do with stuff on a surface level. But actually... Clutter is just a symptom of what's going on inside of us. It's like a mirror, right? Whatever is inside comes out on the outside and clutter is sort of representation. And we don't talk about clutter enough in that sense. 
 So I'm here to break that in the world. 

 Rose | 03:16
Wonderful, because I... Being and tidy. It's not really a sign of laziness in most people. I won't say that in all occasions, but in most people, it is not a sign of laziness. It is a sign of something going on. And I understand that. I... Doing the dishes. I hate them. 
 So I'll leave them and leave them until I don't have any plates left and then I'll have to do the dishes. Other than that, my house is like spotless except for... The dishes. And I don't know why I don't like doing them. I just don't like doing them. 

 Dorota | 03:52
I'm the same with hoovering. Like, I hate hoovering. I would, like, right now probably because I live, like, my office, my bedroom is, like, on the top floor. 
 So it gets quite hot here in the summer. And there is probably, like, around two or three dead wasps or, like, flies probably on the floor. I don't even want to look. But, you know, there is so much shame here. Attached to not being able to and I say it like in air quotes, of course, right? Not being able to like reach that tidiness standard, you know, that like in perfect homes from Instagram and it's Instagram in general, social media right now, it's not helping because if you think about it, right back in a day, we only had we as in like untidy people, like let's call us that right. Messy untidy people. Let's it's not the label that I like to use, but let's just for the sake of this conversation, use it. 
 So we look at our either moms or like maybe grandmas or like someone in our immediate circle and they are tidy, right? So we look at them and we think, okay, there must be something wrong with me because A, I want this as well because we all want that, right? We all like to... For our brain, it is where, you know, it comes down. Our brain comes down. It's not overstimulated. 
 So naturally, we prefer... Like this tidy and organized space, right? But when we cannot reach that standard of, because of like, there was like 20 million reasons why, Immediately that shame Right off. My gosh, I cannot do that. I must be lazy. 
 Like you said yourself, right? We're being called lazy. 
 You know, the things that were going through my head when I was like at the worst stage of my decluttering, of my pre-decluttering journey. I'm lazy, I'm disgusting, I'm gross because I cannot clean my own house. And We have it all twisted. And I think it's time to speak loudly about this, that it's not those negative things. It's actually your nervous system is protecting you from... From whatever there is that you know it's a protective protection mechanism and it's okay that it happens right and if you want to change it there are tools to do it but definitely like staring away from that shame is going to do a world of good. 

 Rose | 06:21
Yeah i absolutely you know I just look at it and I think, yeah, I'll do it tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes, I think. Then about 11 o'clock at night, just before I go to bed, yeah, I'll decide it'll be nice and tidy in the morning so I can make more mess tomorrow. 

 Dorota | 06:40
Yeah, that is your way, the way that your nervous system procrastination, the overwhelm procrastination, that anxiety, the shame comparing yourself ourselves to other people. That's all like very sneaky signs of nervous system dysregulation, right? It's because it's very simple. If you look at the nervous system dysregulation, like, primal function, right? 
 Like, 20... 220 or like however long millions million years ago our nervous system was this sort of like a beacon of safety for us right anything and everything that was a perceived danger would create in our nervous system a reaction right and reaction would be a shortened breath or your heart palpitating or you know fight flight freeze and phone right those four reactions and because now we don't live in caves anymore you know, lucky us, we still have, like at the back of our head, like at the base of our skull, we still have that tiny part of the primal brain, which is called reptilian brain. And that is responsible for your fight or flight and freeze and phone, right? Right now. 
 So your procrastination is actually the freeze response, right? And there are ways to overcome it. But the most important thing I would say here is to acknowledge that okay, this is what's happening. Okay. I'm not procrastinating just because I'm lazy. No, this is The most primal, emotional way, our logic goes out the window because you can explain that to yourself, you know, until you die, but it's not going anywhere. To happen until your emotional brain is on board. 

 Rose | 08:33
Absolutely. I've just come out of a coercive control relationship. 
 So I'm still healing and, you know, getting my... Fight or flight under control and it's taking a lot longer than I had hoped it'll probably take you know years to get to some sort of level because I've been living with it for like 35 years so it's absolutely not it would be amazing But we need to show ourselves some small compassionate steps that can help us to create this safety and control in our homes without being overwhelmed. 

 Dorota | 08:55
Not going to happen overnight right. 

 Rose | 09:09
Would you like to share with us what they might be? 

 Dorota | 09:13
Yes my gosh, steps are my favorite thing, right? So first of all, like you said, you know, having control of our home, sorry, tongue twister apparently, right? It gives us this, how do I want to say this? I just want to like make it sure that it's like super plain and simple. Because that's how sort of we understand things on a deeper level, right? Because it's like, you know, nervous system, all of those like abstract woo-woo things, let's say, and then like clutter, like how does that have, you know, how is it connected? 
 So With decluttering, the more things that we get rid of, It gives us the sense of confidence, right? It gives us this trust that we It's a small part of our life that we can control, that we have influence over, you know, especially if we are coming out from those relationships or situations where we were absolutely stripped from that sense of control, even not only our outside world, but inner world, right? Because that tends to happen. And having that control over control This stuff is going to help us. I always say that when you start decluttering, your whole life is going to change and not your outside world, but your internal world is going to change. 
 So the first thing that you can do always is... Before you touch a single thing in your home, regulate first, right? 
 So take a deep breath, calm yourself down. Five to six deep breaths is going to straight away signal to your nervous system that whatever you're trying to do, whatever task is ahead, it's okay. 
 Right? We don't have to panic here. 
 So the first thing is always regulation. And you can even, you know, play some music, go for a walk beforehand, just sort of shake off as well. And the second thing is always start whatever decluttering or cleaning session you want to do always start with the easiest thing that you can think of and there is one category of items that we all have regardless of the sex without regardless of the age or season in life that we are in we all have this category of items do you want to hazard a guess Gosh. 

 Rose | 11:41
It I think of some sort. Trash. Now, I know you have a lot of trash, but I have a lot of collected things that, you know, have memories. Yes. 

 Dorota | 11:55
Yes, but that's heavy, right? The memory stuff is heavy, but we all have trash, and it doesn't have to be mountains of trash, right? Even the most, I promise you, because I've worked with so many clients already, and even the most, you know, They were like swearing by that there is no trash at all, but they would go to the pantry and there would be like, that broken lid that I completely Yeah. 

 Rose | 12:21
Forgot. Yeah, I understand. 
 Yeah. 

 Dorota | 12:24
So it's literally like it's not trash in sense of, you know, empty wrappers or things that although those things, you know, are present as well. But yeah. Start with that the reason why we and that's rooted in brain science right that's the reason why we're starting with the easiest thing right have a look around in your space and what is a get rid of all of the trash and then have a look at what is like the easiest thing right if you have to think On the answer, like, is this like something I can get rid of or not? That's too much too quick. We need to, because your nervous system is going to really quickly freak out and say like, no, I don't feel safe because this item... Has like so much memories attached to it so much emotion that you know you're just going to Paralyze, right? Freeze, run away, fight, right? Or flight. 
 So that's the thing, like I always say, because here's the thing, right? The more you go through this. 
 Sort of cycles of regulate, get rid of the easy, regulate, get rid of the easy, regulate, get rid of the easy. On the fifth round of the space, Something that you couldn't even like fathom getting rid of, we'll be like, I'll get rid of this now. 
 So that's the whole beauty of the way I teach is don't force yourself. That's never going to last. And by doing those cycles, you actually learn. It's like going to the gym, right? You don't go to the gym and straight away lift the heaviest weight. You gradually do the same weight. Every single time you go to the gym, you grab weights. Have your bundle, dumbbell, not bundle, dumbbell, and you do the same exercise. But you change the tempo, you change the reps, you change the sets, you change the weight, right? It's exactly the same with... How I teach decluttering. 

 Rose | 14:31
And, you know, that's really great. I mean, that's looking after yourself. The regulation part is, you know, definitely the compassionate step in the whole process, but what are some other practical tools that we can use to declutter, especially someone who maybe has, parted ways with a partner who was abusive and some of that stuff still exists. Lingers in the home. 

 Dorota | 14:58
.. You know, This one is tricky because what happens very often is that we feel like we have to get rid of something, right? And Bye. How do I want to say this? Because I want to be as... As gentle as possible here to answer to Spud, at the end of the day, right? If you're not ready to let go of something, Forcing yourself to do that, even though on a logical level you really want to. It's not going to happen because immediately after you get rid of, let's say, you know, you mastered the carrot and you got rid of the item. Here's two things that are going to happen, right? You're either going to regret doing it and the overwhelm from the act itself of getting rid of it is going to hinder anything else that you want to do in your home because it's just going to be such a traumatic experience. And it's going to be hard, right? Picking up the next item, even though it's like the smallest, like, you know, a pen that doesn't work anymore. It's going to trigger that, you know, It's going to trigger, so our body remembers everything, right? Our body, our nervous system remembers everything. 
 So what's going to happen is even though it's going to be like the smallest thing that you will want to declutter next, your body will immediately go back in memory to that hard thing that you got rid of, right? But the second thing that's going could happen as well on the other side of the spectrum is this like euphoria of my gosh, I did it. I made a decision, I did it, nothing happened, right? No one came and shouted at me. The piano didn't drop from the sky. Tornado didn't take my house. I did it, right? 
 So there's two things here that could happen. So that's why I always say, you know, if it's something... Hard for you to decide to skip this item maybe because it's you know it's hard to give you like a very specific answer like what to do because we are talking about like very general statements here But if there is too much emotions attached to the item and if looking at this thing gives you anxiety every day, then hide it. Put it somewhere. 

 Rose | 17:30
Or get someone else to take it. 

 Dorota | 17:32
Get someone else to take it if you are brave enough but there is a lot of bravery needed in decluttering only because it is we attach emotion to every single item that is in our home whether it's trash or something you know like a baby blanket or something right it's just a spectrum of emotions so it's really gauging by like how can we make a decision that it's going to be safe because at the end of the day you know It's... Decluttering is like just working the muscles, right? The more experience, the more you do it, the easier it's going to become. 
 So it is a very individual thing to decide. 

 Rose | 18:13
Yeah, I agree. I think it takes bravery to get rid of things that, you know, I've been in the home for. 
 You know, forever and you think, you know, they really need to go to make space for other things. But then sometimes what happens is you get rid of the clutter, you declutter it and you get more stuff. And, you know, that's the risk, I think, of decluttering and not... Having the emotional... Ability to not put more stuff in place of the stuff you just got rid of. 

 Dorota | 18:50
Yeah, you know, it's the fact where if you push yourself, that's why my method is different. Because if you push yourself to get rid of things, right, just because you feel like, You know, there is this pressure that you should or that you feel like, you know, I'm going to feel better once I got rid of all of the things and all of the memories and not memories, but like all of the things that were associated with like my past. My past life, sort of, right? When you, like, got out of the, let's say, you know, heavy relationship. But... If you do not... And the process of doing that, if you do not make time for your own feelings because it's okay to grieve over stuff, right? If getting rid of a broken pen makes you want to cry, right? Because there is a huge grieving process in there as well and giving yourself grace and compassion and really regulating the nervous system. 
 You know, if you are in a bad mood and you decide, okay, now I'm going to just rage declutter everything, right? I would urge you to think twice and maybe actually go for a walk instead, right? Because in this rate decluttering, you might accidentally make decisions because there is so much like emotions that are coming to the surface that maybe have actually nothing to do with the thing that you're doing, right? But It's never going to be helpful in the long run. 
 So if there's too much of this negativity, have a look. I always say to all of my clients, You have to create a feel-good menu, right? 
 So feel-good menu is the things that you can do to make yourself feel good instantly. Not big things, not huge things. 
 Like for me, example for me is when I wear my Kashmir jumper or like even this... This like shirt that I have on, I love the fabric of it. When I touch it makes me feel good because it's just such a pleasant thing to touch. When I sit with my dog or with my cats, like I stop for a second and think my gosh, this is nice. This is nice. 
 So have a look, right? Write in your notes app on your phone or like with a pen and paper, five to 10 things, even if it's one, that's still plenty of what you can do instantly in the moment to bring a good feeling thought into your life, because this is going to take you way further than anything else really. 

 Rose | 21:32
Absolutely hey that's great that's a some great advice thank you so much for sharing that now you can find Dorota on on Facebook on Instagram she has a website too it's dorotaculdo.podia.com and she wants to offer a service of three moves. 

 Dorota | 21:54
Yeah, so this is three simple moves that will... Jumpstart your decluttering. They're all about nervous system regulation. 
 So the first move is how to calm the body down. 60 seconds, that's all that it takes, right? We have 60 seconds, right? 60 seconds. The second move is actually where do I start? The perfect spot, not perfect, I don't like this word actually. The spot that is going to help you A, with recovery, motivation, but you'll see that instant results every single day when you walk into this space, right? And the third move is a little journaling prompt to go deeper into sort of below that surface of clutter, but actually figuring out, you know, who would I be without all of that clutter, right? If I got rid of all of this, What do I have to sacrifice? That's another good question to actually journal about, right? Because we struggle with decluttering for different reasons and actually going deeper and finding out You know, what am I afraid is going to happen when I get rid of the item? That's so juicy and potent. 

 Rose | 23:09
Absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing. Dorota, it's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us today. And as I said, if you want to find out more about Dorota, you can find her on her website at dorotaculdo.podia.com. Thank you so much. And I will look forward to talking with you again soon. 

 Dorota | 23:29
Thank you so much for having me.

 Rose | 23:30
Bye-bye. 

 Outro | 23:37
Thank you for joining us for this episode of Healing Through Love. You can get further resources See the show notes or simply reach out to us via our website at htlaustralia.org. Thanks so much for joining us and we look forward to your company next time on the Healing Through Love podcast.